So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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