you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
