Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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