It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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