Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
