Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
