6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
