first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
