im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
