Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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