Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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