apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
