It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
