Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
