I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
