the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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