Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
