I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
