So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
