It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
