I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You ate ashes out of my bong
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
