dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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