After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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