i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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