my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
