My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I want to be your penis for a week.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
