He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
