I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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