Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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