As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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