I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
