Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
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