everyone is single if you try hard enough
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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