Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
