There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
