sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Apparently you make a good broom.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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