I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
