When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
