i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
