Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
