the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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