so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
