Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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