He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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