one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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