You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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