I met the friendliest cop last night
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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