I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
