walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
