When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
